Erin is engaged and everything was shaping up for a March wedding (click here for the background story). With six months to go, we saw no reason to hurry. We were relaxed and enjoying the scenic route.
Oh, what can change in a few weeks! On three consecutive days, she rattled us. Although I had already noticed that her wishes for the ceremony were undoubtedly non-traditional, she shook me out of my comfort zone as easy as 1-2-3.
#1 – Saturday
She asked if we could pull the wedding forward from March into November. The new date was seven weeks away. Can it be done that fast?
#2 – Sunday
Her first choice for wedding officiant could not make the new date so she asked if I would step into that role. Me a wedding minister? I am all in; stay tuned for more details on that.
#3 – Monday
She challenged me to save $500 on chair rentals by restructuring the wedding/reception. It’s just not done that way!
Add these factors to an event that is dress casual and has a menu lifted from Snoopy’s Thanksgiving Special. Decoration selections are based on environmental sustainability and avoiding plastics. Other suggestions that have come and gone suggested she go barefoot and have rugs line the grass pathway to the wedding altar.
As more of these unusual elements become incorporated into her big day, it feels strange to be worried about it. I’ve always had a rebellious streak and enjoy departing from people’s expectations. It bothers me when people rigidly hold to a ritual without giving consideration to its usefulness. I joyfully cast aside images of success in favor of deeper relevance.
Suddenly, I have become the defender of traditions that my daughter is gleefully discarding. I have started to wonder what my friends will think. Where is the dividing line between quirky and weird?
What is she thinking?
It is easy to dismiss her perspective as being “Generation Z”. We thought Millenials were confusing, but as their youngest now enter their mid-twenties, this new batch is coming of age. These are the children of the Great Recession, raised in a world where technology is cheap and abundant but tradition is a luxury. They will shatter images of how things have always been done.
I am trying to shift my focus away from what she is casting aside, and look at the things she is embracing. What does her style say about her passion?
I like what I see and can learn from her.
Erin knew that a March wedding would give her six months to work out a million details, but she doesn’t want to invest that time fabricating one perfect day. Instead, she wants to get married and savor the time with her true love.
There are a lot of ministers who could guide them through their vows seamlessly, but she isn’t emotionally connected to them. Instead, she chose an aunt that has loved her well. When logistics required a change, she asked me to fill in. Either of us would inevitably stumble over the words, but she selected us for our faithfulness to help them to live by the vows that they make.
Erin is in charge of her wedding budget and she has argued with me about overspending on chairs, clothes, food, and lots more. These items are insignificant to her. However, she has never questioned a guest we asked to invite, even as the list became longer than she had planned. She always chooses friends over frills.
They recently booked accommodations for their honeymoon. Josh’s family blessed them with the ability to travel almost anywhere. They will be staying in a quiet, rustic place in the hill country right here in Texas. Establishing roots and growing connection to her friends and the land they live on is more important than exotic scenery.
At her request, I spent the past weekend building a photo backdrop for their reception. It is 7’6″ tall by 6’6″ wide and I am really happy with how it is turning out. She chose a cedar structure with a chevron design that can be modified afterward to become the headboard for their bed. She doesn’t like to use things once and cast them away when their purpose has expired. Instead, she carefully weaves her present into her future. Once you find your way into her life, there will always be a place for you there.
Erin is a product of the times she was raised in and many of her choices will forever remain a mystery to me. But the more time I spend asking “why” instead of challenging “what”, I like what I learn.
The wedding may seem a bit strange at times, but those who look closely will see her beautiful spirit throughout it. What more could a father ask?
In weddings as in life, she is reminding me to focus on what is truly important. My eyes can only be filled for a moment, but my heart can overflow for a lifetime.
This past week was a tough one to be a McAfee. It seemed like the whole family had challenges.
Kim’s and mine were physical. She’s had terrible seasonal allergies that have given her crippling headaches. Work has been tough as she tried to focus through the pain. I spent Monday and Tuesday wondering whether a stomach virus or some bad meat was responsible for the intestinal rebellion raging within me. We felt powerless.
Our problems were minor but kept us from being fully supportive of Erin and James while they dealt with their own situations.
Erin’s cash transfer app, Venmo, was hacked, and all the money in her checking account was stolen. Twice. On Tuesday morning, she woke up to an account balance that was several hundred dollars negative. She immediately notified Venmo and the bank. But even after visiting the bank and reporting the fraudulent activity, the bank failed to freeze her account. Two days later, the automatic deposit of her paycheck went through instead of being rejected. The criminals were still on top of their game and immediately stole all of her money again. She felt like a victim.
James bounced his rent check despite his best efforts to do things the right way. While he was dealing with that, his account was charged for an electric scooter rental that someone else had used. In all, he was out $150. In college money, it was a small fortune. He was then notified by the social/athletic clubs he had tried to join that he a was persona non grata. He felt rejected, lonely, and broke.
Are these attacks by the Evil One? Is his mission to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) focused on our family? Maybe, but I’m not worried about him.
Instead, God put a message on my heart about how he refines us. In several places in the Bible, God is referred to as a refiner of precious metals (us). So I set about studying exactly what that entailed. Here is what I learned.
Ore is the natural state of gold. It is totally intermixed with all the different things of this earth and rests comfortably in the darkness. Ore has no real value. It isn’t pretty or useful. In order for gold to become what it was meant to be, it has to be set apart from the world and processed. The ore is first crushed and impurities are separated from it. It is purer then, but not finished yet.
The semi-finished ore is then heated to 1,064° F in a crucible under the careful watch of the refiner. Too little heat and it doesn’t separate. Too much heat could damage the gold. The fire burns away some of the impurities of the earth and causes others to rise to the surface, where the refiner can remove them. Through patience and a watchful eye, a perfect bar of gold emerges.
When gold is pure, the world no longer has an effect on it. Air doesn’t blemish it and water does not corrode it. It becomes an almost perfect conductor of power that reflects the light of the sun. Highly processed gold may be soft, but it is eternal.
In the midst of our family’s challenges, I choose to believe that God is refining us. The process is hard, but each step brings us closer to the full potential that we have through him. We have dedicated our lives to him and must accept the discomfort that comes with the transformation.
So, what about the Evil One? Is he powerless in all this? Is he real? Yes, the influence of darkness exists, but it has limits. The devil cannot steal what already belongs to God. He cannot kill a life that has been born again. And he cannot destroy the eternal kingdom.
I believe that God uses the deceiver sometimes. Because Satan’s authority is over the things of this earth, his dominion is over the impurities that God seeks to remove. He can steal, kill, and destroy those things, but God’s plan was to refine us, to separate us from those things anyway.
As I was trying to let all this sink in, I realized that I had an errand to run. I jumped into the car, and these words poured out of the radio as if he was speaking directly to me.
And though I know all about those men, still I don’t remember. ‘Cause it was us, way before then, and we’re still together. And I meant every word I said. When I said that I loved you I meant that I loved you forever. And I’m gonna keep on loving you. *
When things start to get hot, I need to embrace the crucible as if it were a relaxing jacuzzi, not an enemy hot box. My focus should be on releasing impurity and trusting in the Master.
I am in my Father’s hands. He is watching over me, refining me into something eternal because he loves me. And he’s gonna keep on loving me.
My buddy, Hank, turned 60 last week (oops! if he wanted that to keep that on the down-low). His wife threw him a surprise party that Kim and I were excited to join.
As the guests arrived, we all crowded onto the landing that overlooked the living room and waited for the birthday boy. We watched silently when he entered through the front door, looking down over him and his wife, Shelly. At just the right time, we got the signal and all yelled “Surprise!”.
Hank jumped when he heard the loud voices and looked around for the source before realizing that we were all standing directly over him. He stared straight up at us for a moment, then said “Wow! There are some things you can’t un-see.”
My best friends always know exactly what to say.
You learn about folks while you are crowded together in a small space, and I got to meet some of his friends. Most of them have known each other for decades. The woman in this picture (2nd from left) met him in the 3rd grade and her husband (far left) met him in the 7th grade. The best man at his wedding thirty-two years ago was there, still standing proudly by his side.
I watched as Hank moved from person to person in the crowded room. Each conversation followed the effortless flow of people who have known each other for as long as they can remember. Among old friends, nobody worries about doing or saying the right thing. They were all individuals but had learned to fit together like your favorite jeans and t-shirt.
The party was a lot of fun. Shelly did a perfect job putting it together, and everyone had a good time.
Hank boasts connections that are more than 50 years old. Comparing that to my last party, I didn’t know any of my friends 10 years ago. I chose frequent relocations over relationships with my neighbors. Hank has done an incredible job nurturing his friendships across decades and I have not. I love my “new” friends but also want what he has.
It is hard to admit, but I was jealous of Hank’s friendships.
I hoped to have matured beyond jealousy like growing out of pimples. Instead, it turns out they both turn up at bad times and are really hard to conceal. On three separate occasions this past weekend, jealousy crept into my thoughts. This was only the first invasion.
These minor jealousies start innocently enough by admiring someone’s achievements, then become twisted desires to possess those things, and finally turn into dissatisfaction with what God has given to me.
The second jealousy attack came the next day during baptisms at church. An incredible 126 people dedicated their lives to Jesus and an equal number performed their baptisms. I admire the chosen “baptizers”. My friend Brent shared his faith freely and was invited to be part of something very special. I am happy for him.
But I was only a spectator. I wondered, “Why isn’t that me up there?”
In my mind, there were several, good reasons why someone should ask me to fulfill that role. Unfortunately, there was only one reason for my question. Envy.
The third time jealousy breached my defenses came after the service. While Kim held babies in the nursery, I found a quiet picnic table in the shade to work on my next blog post. I wanted to write a compelling article demonstrating that God is real and encourage people to feel his love. I wanted to speak to the hearts of people who don’t believe in him. I wanted to capture the passion of a great evangelist.
After a few paragraphs, I read over the uninspired nonsense and hit the delete button. I’ve tried so many times with the same result.
My jealousy isn’t restricted to people I know. I am envious of authors and speakers I’ve never met.
I thought, “Why can’t I do this?”
God’s answer to my questions wasn’t what I anticipated. Instead of telling me why not, he told me what next. With that, I saw how my requests would be a distraction. I’m not strong enough to stay focused.
God told me that I am his child of encouragement. His plan is for me to share both my victories and struggles with the world so that others will know they are not alone. He speaks to people through me in a way that I never could by myself. I pour over every word in these posts, seeking his spirit. It is my joy.
In my weakness, I complain about what I want. In his perfect love, he gives me a purpose. I have everything I could hope for.
I just need a reminder sometimes.
Hank’s friends demonstrated how much they care about him. They have found happiness together for a long time because they appreciate each other. I’m glad he’s got great friends. He deserves them.
It was a wonderful surprise party.
Happy birthday, Hank. I hope we’ll be friends for years to come.
On Friday night, Kim and I watched the movie, Book of Eli. It’s a post-apocalyptic action flick starring Denzel Washington that was released in 2008. The story tells about a man that God called to carry the last known copy of the Bible and “go west”. It contains more action than it does a spiritual message, but that’s OK. I like shoot ’em up movies, and Denzel is always cool.
We had both seen it before anyway.
I re-watch a lot of movies. My favorite play-it-agains are the eight Rocky films. I’ve seen I – IV dozens of times, watching them while I work out. When it doesn’t seem like you can go any further, the orchestral thrills of “Gonna Fly Now” are like battery superchargers. Rocky never quits, and he pushes me to greater heights, too.
Other times, I like to re-watch a movie that I enjoyed years ago just to see what impact it has on me now. The movie itself is constant, but we change. Occasionally, I wonder what I saw in it the first time. Sometimes I appreciate it in an entirely different way.
We enjoyed Book of Eli when we first saw it, but it had a bigger impact on us the second time through. When it finished, Kim sat quietly for a moment, processing its message and giving me a chance to conceal that I was wiping tears from my cheeks.
Then she said, “Wow. We were in a different place spiritually when we saw that years ago.”
She was right. The subtler messages of faith, perseverance, and hope struck us this time. Our focus was on the characters more than the action. Like Eli, we have followed God’s call and moved in faith. Even if we hadn’t noticed it happening, we had grown stronger. Spiritual growth can sneak up on you.
It was easy to tell how much taller the kids were each time we measured them. Physical growth has many different kinds of measurements – height, weight, clothing size, and appetite.
As a budget-conscious family, we have always monitored our income against our expenses. Financial growth is easy to measure. Professional growth also has specific metrics to indicate progress.
You can ask an athlete how much he benches, and he will know the answer. He could also tell you how much it has increased over the past year or more. Runners can give you their mile splits by memory also.
It is harder to recognize the headway we’ve made in our spiritual growth. Year after year, we have made commitments that required faith. With each new step, heights that were previously scary became our new base camp. But a step at a time, the progress is so subtle that you don’t notice it happening.
Looking back, the advance is obvious. I gladly pray in public. It is comfortable to talk to others about my faith or theirs. Confessing my weaknesses and failures comes naturally. Telling people why I am proud of them brings me peace. I am more generous with my time and resources. There are many things, both big and small, that are different.
It’s important to stop and pause occasionally to recognize your progress. Sometimes we forget that we aren’t children anymore, and in many cases, not even young adults. Although a next step may seem intimidating, it is a lot easier when you realize how far God has taken you in preparation.
During my run yesterday, I was thinking about who I am today compared to a decade ago. I was lost in thought as I headed down Old Settlers Road, approaching Flower Mound High School when I noticed a guy who was out walking his dog in my direction.
I’ve seen him before. He’s sixty-ish with a good build and a gait that betrays years of athletics. Whenever I get within twenty feet, the cheers of a high-school coach encourage me. I wondered what he would say today.
His voice rang out right on schedule. “There you go! Good run!”
I smiled and kept going, suddenly believing that I was more than a middle-aged guy banging out a morning run. He always makes me feel special.
I ran about twenty more steps before wondering if anyone ever told him how cool he was. In the years that he has encouraged others, did anyone ever thank him?
Without thinking, I spun around and ran back toward him as he continued walking his dog. When I was only a few steps behind him, I yelled out “Hey, man!”
Surprised, he turned around, wondering why someone was calling him. When he did, I stopped in front of him and grabbed his right hand with both of mine in a double-handshake.
I said, “I see you out here from time to time and you always have a good word. I want you to know that you bring strength to my day and a blessing to my life. Thank you.”
Then I continued my run, leaving him standing still as a pole with a grin frozen on his face.
Kim was right. Years ago, I may have received his good word, but I wasn’t the guy who gave them away. As our pastor said in his message this weekend, I was a consumer then, but I’m becoming a contributor. God has poured into me until I can now share his blessings.
The more we grow, the easier it becomes to speak life into people.
I’m not full-grown. God isn’t finished with me yet. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but today isn’t for seeing how far there is still to go, it is dedicated to being strengthened by how far I’ve come.
Most of the people who read these posts are friends of mine, and you are awesome people. You are being transformed into a vision of Christ himself. You are growing well into amazing, inspirational children of the King. I encourage you to take a few moments to realize how tall you’ve gotten and appreciate the strength you now possess.
If you are a regular to this show, you know that both of my kids got engaged this summer. It has been a wild and wonderful season, full of excitement, romance, and a family that is rapidly growing.
James came out of the gate first with his proposal (actually, it was a security gate, and Morgan was the one coming out). Click here to watch that. Their original plan was to have a January 2021 wedding, but that seems to be getting sooner as Morgan finds James’s enthusiasm to be contagious. They are now talking about August 2020 in the Austin area. Stay tuned for updates.
Josh made a strong showing shortly afterward, proposing to Erin on the beach with candles, flowers, wine, and an heirloom ring (click here for that). They have picked a date. It’s March 14, 2020, and they will tie the knot in an outdoor ceremony at a local park.
My responsibilities in all this are pretty limited. For James’s big day, it’s very little. The father of the groom smiles for pictures. For Erin, my responsibilities are only slightly larger. After the pictures, the father of the bride sits silently in the background mumbling about the cost.
Having reconciled myself to a bit of boredom next season while the real work of planning and coordinating a wedding was done by the women in my life, I settled in and started looking for my next project.
Sure, I could help out, but weddings are weird. Costumed bridesmaids and groomsmen face off against each other while the bride hides her face. The groom nervously tries to repeat simple phrases accurately. The families sit on opposing sides of the room during an event intended to bring them together. Tiny food gets served, people who shouldn’t dance do anyway, and the happy couple is left to sort through piles of duplicate gifts.
I was already wondering what my woodworking tools and I would get into next.
My father and I joke about which of us was less involved in our own wedding preparations. We think it’s funny, but at the same time, I hope that my daughter marries someone who gets into the spirit. If half of all marriages end unsuccessfully, maybe this world needs more husbands who treasure their vows and are excited to show the world.
And maybe more of us fathers should lead by example.
What if I broke with tradition? What if I threw myself excitedly into the process? What if this day of celebration had my fingerprints on more than my wallet?
My immediate focus is on Erin since that event comes first. Stick around, though. We’ll get to Morgan sooner rather than later.
A wedding ceremony is a big deal for Erin, but it is more than just her “perfect day.” It is also important to her and Josh’s neighbors and families. The kiss and the cake announce to everyone that two lives have become one and a family has been born. While they make vows to each other, the rest of us can make our vows to support and encourage them.
Years of First Fruits taught me a lot of lessons. One of my favorites is that the work done at an event is important, but is of secondary importance. Events are mainly about people coming together in a wonderful embrace, demonstrating that we are never alone. God shows up in a big way when we come together to lift him and each other up. His presence and blessing are tangible on those days.
That should be extra true for a wedding.
I want to help Erin & Josh’s wedding to be an inclusive celebration, not one where everybody sits on a hard chair and watches mindlessly. I want to help inspire a day when neighbors engage in their lives. Some people may want to do that by helping with preparations. For others, it will mean filling the pavilion with love and laughter. Each of us has something unique to share.
Erin and Josh will become a blessing to their community, and their wedding will be a chance for people to prophetically speak that over them.
Life is for living, and I have no intention to sit on the sidelines. Sure, I am not a wedding planner. I have no taste in what looks nice, don’t understand how to create a theme, can’t remember what a ceremony should include, and haven’t even got-a-guy who rents chairs. God did give me an ability to bring people together though, and I’m going to use the gifts I do have to their full potential.
Maybe Kim and Erin will even let me build something.
I don’t have to understand everything that goes on during a wedding, but I can certainly stay focused on why it’s important.
Let’s get started. My little girl is getting married!
P.S. PMarch 14 is Pi Day (3.14, get it?) and I hope that Pi Day means Pie Day. I really, really love pie. Should my first act as a newly self-appointed Wedding Planner be to proclaim a pie on every table?
#1 – Saturday
