If you read my last post, this picks up where it ended. If you didn’t, click here to read it.
Back to the Beginning.
Admitting that I had failed Him in my participation in our group brought a sting. However once I began to move past that a level of excitement started building inside me. The cloud of confusion dissipated and a vision came into focus. If we were to go back to the beginning, I knew what needed to happen.
God has given me an ability to envision new things and then bring them into reality. Without effort, images of a new future emerge and I can see structure form around it. Actions to build those structures follow and names that meet the required skills burst into my mind at a rapid pace. Prioritizing the actions and seeing the first requisite steps immediately follows. My thoughts become obsessed with laying the initial groundwork and my hands busy themselves with the task.
My passions are ignited and I am able to accomplish a lot in a short time.
Kim has learned to recognize the signs that I am moving into this mental space and knows that I will be consumed while I bring the new future into the present. The world around me disappears and all I can think about is my new labor of love. I don’t care if I eat, my brain races during my waking hours as well as my dreams, and the people in my life accept that I have disappeared for a time.
It is a part of who I am.
So when I realized it was time to go Back to the Beginning, the whole process started automatically – what needed to happen, who was going to do what, and how I should lead.
I was ready to scorch the earth and begin rebuilding. Nothing was exempt as I prepared to clear the landscape.
That is when I could almost hear God chuckle as He said “Whoa there, Son of Thunder. My plans for you have not changed.”
This is a conversation we’ve had several times before. It is a reference to John, the brother of James and disciple of Jesus.
More importantly, it is how God sets my boundary lines when I race headlong into a new thing. This time, he clearly laid out what He is asking of me and where I am beyond my authority.
Here is the backstory to help understand His direction.
John had a fiery passion and impatience in bringing new things to life. He famously asked Jesus if He wanted him to destroy a village who did not embrace the Christ. John was ready to wipe out the old and begin building the new Kingdom on that spot. Right then. No waiting.
John didn’t see himself merely as an “idea guy”. He also requested that Jesus seat him at His right- or left-hand when he began His reign. He wasn’t seeking fame. He wanted the authority that came with the position. He was ready to make things happen.
Time and again Jesus described what was to come, and he had to contain John. Peter may have been the rock he would build his church on, and Paul may have articulated theology of the New Testament, but John was ready to begin the construction.
For reasons only He could know, Jesus had plans to transition John from a Son of Thunder into the Apostle of Love. It would be a difficult adjustment.
Throughout Jesus’ life on this earth, John was a firebrand. He is the only disciple who had the moxy to stand at Jesus’ feet while he was being crucified. He was the first to enter Jesus’ tomb while others hid in a locked room. These were acts of open defiance against the Jewish leaders and the entire Roman Empire, challenging them to take action. He was ready for a single word from Jesus to wipe everything away and he was first in line to help him rebuild.
Instead of unleashing the beast inside his disciple, Jesus used some of his final breaths to ask John to become a son to His mother, Mary, and to protect and care for her in his own home (John 19:24-27).
John must have known that he would spend decades on the sidelines, watching others establish the church and transform the world while he patiently cared for an aging lady.
Sometimes the boundaries that God sets for us are hard to accept.
For countless quiet evenings he sorted out his feelings while he sat at home with his surrogate mother, watching her knit for her grandchildren. He heard about other disciples traveling throughout the world spreading the Gospel while he patiently walked with her in the market, helping her to select the best figs because he knew her eyes were failing and her balance was unsteady.
During this long period of time, his heart was changing. The conversion was difficult and slow, but allowed him to emerge as the Apostle of Love.
He is called the Apostle of Love because he wrote more about love than any other New Testament author. The world learned how Jesus loved us from a fiery, defiant disciple who was taken off the field.
It was John who recorded Jesus as he said:
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)
It was John who preserved His next words:
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:35)
And it was John who penned one of the most famous verses in the Bible.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
In His perfect wisdom, God used a man who was ready to tear down the world and rebuild it to teach us that we would reflect the Savior if we simply learned to love people like He does.
I can imagine more than most what John felt like when Jesus asked him to stand down and serve Mary.
I wanted to build a nationwide ministry, teaching a different way to share Jesus by meeting physical needs.
Instead He told me to Build Neighbors and let anyone follow if they chose.
I made plans to market my books and blogs and teach countless people how they could improve their relationship with Him.
Instead He told me I could only write about my own experiences and what I learned.
Over the years our group has had several leaders step down, and I have wanted to jump at each new chance to nominate myself.
Instead he told me to print discussion guides for the one he chose to lead and to set the table for the group.
Now I stand ready to take charge at The New Beginning, to create a new group who raises Him high. I have a clear vision, strong passion, and high energy to take charge.
Instead He asked me to meet a friend for breakfast.
When I ask him to let me call down thunder, he tells me to stand down and love each one. When I have asked him to let me lead, he has asked me to serve.
Like He said, His plans for me have not changed and neither have my boundary lines.
What He has asked me to do seems impossible- meet with a group of guys who lost their focus on Jesus because they overvalued relationships and then show them how to focus on Jesus through brotherly love. It seems contradictory. May God grant me patience while I learn to do what He asks.
I have received my assignment and He reminded me of my boundaries. I was allowed to highlight our need to repent. I can walk with them and pick up any who fall down. I can be a full participant in the things that are to come, but I have not been granted authority to lead the change.
The old things have now passed away. We are ready to take our first steps into the New Beginning.
That leaves me with a lot of questions like these.
Who will take the first step?
Who will be called to lead our group?
What will our gatherings look like?
When should we start?
I don’t know any of these answers, but have faith that He will raise up someone for each of these.
If this post isn’t what you expected after the last one, then I can appreciate that. I had already completed my follow-up post laying out my vision, the timing and the responsibilities. It was difficult for me to delete it and accept His direction.
We are ready to enter something new. It is a time for change.
Please listen for His voice. Hear what He has planned for you to do in this season. Maybe He is asking you to step forward as the next leader. Maybe He is calling you to schedule our Beginning. Maybe He is giving you dreams of what we are to become.
He might be giving you a recurring task or maybe it is a one-time thing.
Possibly you haven’t heard anything from Him. You could schedule a prayer gathering to seek His direction.
Whatever the message is, and however large or small it may seem, you are part of His plan.
If He is calling you, it is possible that you are too busy right now. You may be afraid to lead into unknown territory. The timing might not work. You might not be ready. Maybe you just aren’t interested.
It is OK. The greatest beginnings seem to come from reluctant people.
I am part of a men’s group that is an extension of our church. We’ve been meeting since, wow I don’t even know, probably a decade now. But lately, something hasn’t been right.
This band of brothers has been a rock for me over the years. We have collectively been through a lot in our lives together. I am a stronger, better man than I used to be and believe each of them feels the same way.
We have navigated relationship challenges, unemployment, job stress, illnesses, deaths in the family, taking our next steps in faith, and much more. We have persevered through advsersity and grown in our faith in God.
But recently something has been undeniably “off”. I’ve been increasingly frustrated over the past months. My patience has been short. I’ve questioned the return on my investment in our time together. I’ve even questioned what value that I and others are taking away from our gatherings. That’s not normal. I’m pretty sure others have shared those questions.
With the passing of time, there are fewer and fewer people at the table each night. One at a time and for various reasons, people have drifted off to other pursuits. New people have come to “try things out” only to disappear afterward or politely explain later that they would be following a different direction.
The truth has been staring me in the face but I haven’t wanted to accept it.
Our group is dying.
A once thriving circle that filled a large room to overflowing has contracted and its existence is in jeopardy. A precious thing is about to vanish.
What went wrong?
These are all godly men who are leaning into their relationship with Jesus. We have all devoted ourselves to our time together. We prioritize being in attendance.
Sometimes we bring in food and eat together to put everyone at peace. We share our own circumstances and those of the communities and countries we live in. We talk about how the goings-on of our extended families are impacting us. We tell the stories of what Jesus has done in our lives. We laugh and enjoy each other.
But somehow, it seems slightly wrong. Not because something bad happens during our time together, but it is…incomplete. Something is missing. Why was I leaving our meetings with an itch that I couldn’t scratch?
I needed to take time away and figure things out, but doubts crept into my mind – “Will they abandon me altogether if I am not there?” and “What if God calls me to a different path? Would I be able to leave them?”
I was unsatisfied with my status but afraid of change so I remained silent and took no action.
In our most recent gathering, things went along like they frequently did. We spent time talking about a particularly difficult time one of the guys was going through and another shared what was on his mind. For reasons I couldn’t understand, my stress level began to rise and my feelings eventually boiled to the surface.
Something was missing and I couldn’t avoid dealing with it any longer. Pretending it wasn’t happening made it worse. I sent a message notifying eveyone that I would be stepping back for an undefined time.
At first, I couldn’t gather my thoughts. Doubts swirled in my mind. Fear of an unknown future taunted me. Thoughts of blame and inadequacy arose inside me.
The first thing I had to do was sort out the complicated emotions that were dancing around in my mind. It is hard to silence a voice that tells you to protect yourself and shouts that others are creating the problem. Ignoring those spirits empowers them further and it became clear that no truth would reveal itself until there was silence.
My first prayer was for God to quieten the voices. The more I focused on unity with him, the quieter the voices became. Eventually they dissipated enough that I could hear His whisper. He said that I wasn’t the first person to struggle with this. To find an answer, he pointed me to 1st Corinthian, Chapter 11 (2nd half).
In Paul’s first letter to the young church at Corinth, he chastised its members for abusing the Lord’s Supper. In place of a reverent reminder of what Jesus did for us, they had created an event where people ate full meals and drank wine freely. A moment that had been holy had become something common. Their gatherings had devolved into some eating while others went hungry. Word spread of people becoming intoxicated.
Paul warned them that they were inviting God’s judgement.
This young, thriving church was seeing people leave, argue with each other, and their flame began to fade.
Unless something happened, it appeared that Jesus would blow out the candle he worked so hard to light.
My prayers shifted away from me and toward asking God how this dedicated, all-in church lost its way.
Here is what I believe happened.
The early church in Corinth was introduced to the Lord’s Supper by Paul. He led them through it, and they practiced the sacrament regularly. They could feel God’s presence move as they leaned into Him. As the number of times they completed it increased, they began to ask questions about the original Last Supper when Jesus spoke to His disciples. The young church studied His words, memorizing them and let their hearts be transformed.
It seemed a logical next step to grow their faith by examining the setting in detail – what foods were served, how people sat together, what they wore, etc. The more they learned, they chose to integrate pieces into this sacrament. It became more elaborate as it brought a story into life that they had only heard before.
People coordinated and carefully prepared each dish. They studied and brought the same type of wine that Jesus probably shared with his disciples and served food in the same sequence. They sat in groups of about a dozen each.
Gradually, they made plans with each other to share the meal with specific people they cared most about. As the church grew larger it became impossible to schedule everyone eating at the same time. The single unified voice of prayer was cascaded down into the different groups.
Eventually, a family ran late. By the time they arrived, everyone was already eating and there were no seats left. A mother told her hungry children they could eat when they got home. Another man worked hard all day with no time for breakfast or lunch. Already faint with hunger when he arrived, the first glass of wine went straight to his head.
By the time one of the elders arrived, the event had deteriorated so far it did not resemble the original. This elder reached out to Paul for advice.
Their “group” had lost its way.
In their pursuit of a perfect event, they lost sight of their singular purpose. With the best of intentions, Jesus had moved from the only focus to a shared focus, and a group of passionate believers stumbled down a bad path.
I closed my Bible and sat in silence. If a few of the words were changed, this was a stark description of my recent men’s gatherings.
We had also lost our way.
I prayed again, “God, what do we do? How do we get back on path?”
His response?
“Read it again.”
The second time through I studied Paul’s response. After he warned them of the dire consequences of the path they were on, he reminded them what was special about sharing in the Lord’s Supper. He repeated the same thing he had told them the first time they sat down to share it together.
He took them back to the beginning.
I closed my Bible again and asked God to forgive me for failing him.
Without intention, we had also taken Jesus off of center stage and invited him to take a seat at the table with us. Once he was seated there, the gradually increasing background noise made it difficult to hear him and we had begun to talk to the people closest to us. Eventually, we didn’t notice that he had fallen largely silent.
The absence (or infrequency) of His voice was obvious to “first-timers” who came once and moved on. For the faithful rest of us, it was so gradual we hadn’t perceived it happening.
We had taken something holy and allowed it to become common.
I like to think that I am a mature believer who has gained a share of wisdom over the years. I want to believe that my life shines as an example to others and demonstrates who Jesus is. I see my circle of friends as a pillar of support.
It is embarassing to admit that I allowed this to happen in a gathering I value, while meeting in my home, and in a setting where I can influence the outcome.
The harsh reality is that I am a weak person. I show strength by sharing with others what He first shared with me. I seem wise when I repeat what He says. Unless Jesus has my full attention, I will always feel like something is missing.
It may be painful to admit but I surrendered something sacred to become ordinary. I took my eyes off the Creator and turned them toward something else. I allowed noise to drown out the sound of his voice.
What comes next?
There are still important questions that need answers. There is more humility that I must gain.
I need to seek him out, sit at His feet, and listen to what He has to say. He will lead us back onto the path without judgement or shame.
He is the author of life and He wants our group to be full of that life. He can heal something that is dying and resurrect something that is dead.
