Do you have a secret dream?
Do you harbor an ambition that you protect from the scrutiny of the outside world, afraid that others wouldn’t understand or worse, may laugh if they knew? Are you afraid that if you did speak it out loud that it may seem ridiculous even to you?
I have a dream like that.
In my mind, I can see it clearly and it all seems very reasonable. But dreams are like a candle in the wind, so I have protected my flame from careless extinction, entrusting God with this hidden desire of my heart.
Two years ago, someone called me to discuss an opportunity that could have made my dream become real. Over the course of a few weeks, we had several conversations. My heart and mind raced as I imagined my fantasy becoming reality. What I desired was finally within my grasp.
I prayed about it, asking God for his blessing, pleading that he would grant my wish. When no clear approval came, I felt like he was answering me with a question: What do you really want?
It seemed like a strange thing to ask. I knew what I wanted. I had a future mapped out that gave me exactly what I wanted. Why ask me something so obvious?
Then it started to sink in. God had set me aside to lead community ministry. For years, I had been anointed by him to do more than just lead work days for the First Fruits team. I was a local missionary. God had promised to be with me as I pursued his calling on my life.
But what if I could have both? What if I chased my dream and still did what God had called me to?
That is when the full weight of his question fell on me. I couldn’t pursue two different things at the same time. I knew they were in conflict with each other. I had to choose either the achievement of my dream or a journey with my Father.
I knew the answer. I called my friend and declined, stating that the timing was wrong. In a moment of surrender, it seemed like my candle had blown out.
I didn’t talk much about it to anyone. How could I? Virtually no one would have understood what it meant to me. I was afraid that my pain would be met with mere platitudes. Mourning is made worse by overused clichés that don’t acknowledge what you are going through.
I dealt with my grief by pouring myself into my work. I was in the middle of writing a book that would take all of my faith and courage to publish. I was leading a team that needed me. I was bringing hope to families who were crying out for it. It was all very time-consuming and took my mind away from my loss.
All of these tasks required me to surrender totally to God. I had never written anything and had no other guide than Him to follow. The team I led had nowhere to serve if He didn’t send someone. The only hope I could offer to a neighbor in pain was the same love I was receiving from Him.
It has been almost two years since I made my choice. I have enjoyed every step of the journey that I chose and have been rewarded beyond my imagination.
My book, Build Neighbors, resonated with my sister, Kelly. We had drifted out of touch so many years earlier that neither of us knew how to bridge the chasm between us. Through God’s grace, I got my big sister back. In a season where the pain of losing my mother to dementia can be overwhelming, I am comforted by the same light shining brilliantly in her eyes that is becoming dim in my mom’s. She is awesome and I love her.
When God sent us into fewer work days, my friends Pam and Steve took on leadership roles within our church’s local missions. Through them, the spirit of First Fruits is replicating in a way I could never have imagined. Our connection is stronger than ever as we share an understanding of the total surrender required to lead. They are my friends and I love them.
In a time of transition and uncertain future, Kim and I began to search for answers together. While I wrote, she edited. As I struggled with loss, she comforted. We are stronger together. More than my wife, she is my other half, and I love her.
I found my voice not in front of the audiences I had imagined but in front of a keyboard. The comfort I found writing led to the blog, Making Waves, that allows me to process through my feelings and share the light and hope of Jesus.
There are so many other examples that I cannot list them all. I am blessed beyond measure.
So my secret dream will have to wait a little longer. I will still hold onto it and protect that flame, but I know where hope lives.
Jesus was all I ever really wanted. He just helped me to see that more clearly.
