I always want more friends. You probably do too. I’m trying to get better at turning people I meet into friends. The latest thing I’ve learned is called “The Ben Franklin Effect”.
Hopefully, it can help all of us to build friendships. Let me explain.
I joined a local serving team in hopes of making friends. The people on this team try to help neighbors who need it most. They emphasize relationships by focusing first on the person and second on the job to be done. It seemed like a great approach.
It’s been a lot harder than I thought.
Here’s our friendship formula:
- Step 1: Find something you are good at and enjoy doing.
- Step 2: Find a neighbor with a need that matches what you have to give.
- Step 3: Get to know the neighbor and be generous in exceeding their need.
- Step 4: Watch amazing friendships grow.
Solid plan, right? Unfortunately, it doesn’t routinely work. Here is a typical story.
Why did it work with one person, but not the other?
“He that has once done you a Kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
It’s kind of King James-ish, so you may need read it a couple times.
He basically says that you are more likely to make a friend with someone who has done a favor for you than someone who received a favor from you.
In my example, Anna was a neighbor in need, and all the gifts flowed her way. She never wanted to be in a situation where she needed other people’s help to survive. She avoided situations that confronted her with feelings of perceived inadequacy.
On the other hand, John gave his best effort and was celebrated for it. He was drawn to receive more attention like that.
What is the point?
To make friends, draw people in by acknowledging how they have blessed you. Bond with them by praising their positive impacts on your life.
We all want to be special and to be loved. We are drawn to people who see something remarkable inside us that they are excited to share.
I’m going to have to practice to get this right. It’s easier for me to focus on what I am good at and what I can do for someone. There is nothing wrong with that, but my focus tends to remain on me, and that is less powerful.
I am a more desirable friend when I draw attention to others’ strengths, not their struggles.
It can also help me to be a better servant. If I want to build connections while making home repairs, I need to provide chances for my future friend to extend kindness. Increasing focus on their value and decreasing focus on their need are like friendship fertilizer.
In his story, Ben Franklin asked someone if he could borrow a book. He built a long-term relationship on a minor gesture. It doesn’t have to be big, just intentional.
If I can learn to pay more attention to people and value the gifts God gave them, maybe they will want to spend more time together.
It’s just crazy enough to work.
One day I may approach you and offer a clumsy expression of my gratitude. Please take it easy on me. It still looks funny when I’m upside down. But I’m learning.
