Finding Focus in the Fray

I have ADHD. It’s not necessarily like what most people imagine it to be. It is more than being easily distracted.

Because of the “AD” part, there are always different, competing thoughts swirling through my head and it can be very difficult to focus on just one of them. 

The “H” part makes it hard to sit still. I tend to fidget restlessly because somehow it helps me to find focus. Sitting still can feel restrictive and stifling.

If you don’t deal with this, imagine being confined to a small chair with televisions surrounding all of your vision. You try to pay attention to what is playing on a particular screen, but each television is loudly playing something different. The longer you are required to sit in the chair after the screens blend into cacophony, the more anxiety builds. Eventually you become numb and tune everything out.

Yesterday, I sat in a Leadership Development event at the main campus of our church. It is a very large venue and hosted close to a thousand people that day. Its goal was to share insight with the church’s leaders, to motivate them, and give a sense of shared purpose. It did not go like I thought it would.

From the beginning, the worship style was difficult for me. Usually when the instruments play and the singers begin, I close my eyes. That is my effort to block out all of the external and internal distractions. It requires a lot of focus to make things “quiet”. The louder the music plays and the more people press in on all sides, the harder it is to separate the worship from the competing noises.

Similarly, social interactions intended to be lighthearted and relaxing are a challenge. It is not easy for me to focus on a lot of new people in a group. Because I process information differently than most people, it takes me more time. I am easily distracted by the abundance of new inputs – what they are wearing, how they do their hair, how they carry themselves. Piecing together the litany of social cues requires concentration. Without taking the time to process the situation first, I just fake the conversation – trying to act like everyone else.

Breaking into groups with strangers to pray is hard. I believe that Jesus carries my requests into the throne room of God and petitions on my behalf. I consider my words carefully. Throwing out quick prayers for people I do not know is uncomfortable. I need more time to understand them and connect to their feelings first. It feels wrong to throw around words recklessly that I am asking my Savior to carry to the Father.

The last social activity was to share a word God was speaking to me. By this time, my anxiety had heightened. So many voices. So loud. I tried to block them out and hear the Spirit whisper to me, but I couldn’t focus. My brain screamed for quiet and the more I tried unsuccessfully to find it, the more anxiety I felt.

Fortunately, a friend noticed something was wrong and told me it was OK if I stepped away.

I left the event and walked out of the building. I found a quiet, shaded spot in a remote corner of the parking lot where I sat cross-legged under a tree. I closed my eyes and focused on quieting the noise. Gradually, everything subsided.

As peace came back to me, my thoughts were drawn back into the worship center. All of the people who were there, motivated by the setting, drawn into the moment. They genuinely enjoyed the morning. 

And suddenly I felt very different from everyone else. I realized that I would never belong there with them. I was aware of God’s love but wished I could be like everybody else, sharing the rapturous moments with them.

The feeling of isolation is familiar. It is the same feeling I have in large groups at work. It is the same feeling I get at family gatherings when the group grows very large. The more people, the louder it gets, the harder it becomes to connect. When I can no longer process everything going on around me, I begin to drift alone.

I hoped it would get better as I’ve gotten older. In some ways it has. Coping is easier. Avoiding certain situations is more automatic. But in other ways, my sensitivity seems to be heightening.

There is no danger that I will give up and walk away from the people I care about. However it will take me time to consider how I can be a leader in my church family. I will have to find a way to be at peace with them the same way I can be at peace alone with God.

There are others like me who connect differently. God will place them in my path, but probably not at these large gatherings.

Last, I have to remember that He created me this way – not by accident but with a plan. I am not alone because He is always there, and He surrounds me with people who love me. My ideal settings are different from other people, but that is OK. He made me this way for a reason. Instead of feeling outcast, I will focus on feeling unique and special while helping others to experience it also.

And maybe at the next gathering, I will search for a different way ahead of time. 🙂