You ever been fired?

A few days ago I had breakfast with a few friends. After we finished eating, we stuck around the table for a bit continuing the small talk that is the real reason for such gatherings. Out of nowhere, one of the guys made a stray comment to the effect of “You know what it’s like to get fired?”

It got quiet fast. There is an unspoken guy code that prohibits exposing weakness in a group setting. I don’t know what thoughts crossed my friends’ minds, but I was surprised and instinctively tried to disappear into the background.

I watched each response around the table and saw a reflection of my defense mechanisms. One guy sat quietly as if he hadn’t heard the question. Another nodded and sat tight-lipped. The third said that he had lost his job once, but immediately told a story about how it was actually a victory. Four guys and all seemed uneasy as if a previous defeat meant they were somehow compromised.

The topic changed as quickly as someone saw the first chance and we resumed our innocent pleasantries. It wasn’t until later that I had a chance to reflect on that awkward moment.

In a safe space, why had I worried that people find out I have failed? The unfortunate reality slowly sank in. If people find out that I was weak then, they may see me as weak now. Memories of my early failures are clear in my mind but have been kept hidden from the world, until now. It is time for me to be honest with myself and everybody else.

When I was nineteen and a sophomore in college, the fall semester was really hard for me. I had signed up for a series of difficult courses and been assigned to some notoriously hard-grading professors. My personal life was a mess and made it hard to focus. Throughout the semester, I just couldn’t get it together. When I first saw my grades, the 1.9 GPA hit me like a punch in the stomach.

It took a couple of days to work up the courage to tell my parents. Eventually, I handed the printout of my grades to my dad. He quietly and thoroughly read through every line on the page. I wanted to shrink and vanish, scared that he would look up from the paper and see an ungrateful child who was squandering opportunities and disrespecting what he had been given. On some level, that is what I felt I deserved.

My poor results placed me on academic review and required me to get my counselor’s signature to sign up for classes. At our meeting, Dr. Pitts looked at my grades and sighed. He told me that he did not believe I would make it as an engineer. He begrudgingly signed my class sheet and handed it back to me. Without a word, he turned back around to resume his day and left me to see myself out. I walked out of his office angry at his lack of compassion, but afraid that he was right.

For two and a half more years, I stayed in engineering and did my best. Throughout my senior year, I camped out at the Career Center, trying to convert a degree into a job. Time after time, I didn’t make the cut. When my friends excitedly talked about who was recruiting them, I tried to change the subject before it turned to me. No one would take a chance on me. I felt alone.

With no job prospects, I enrolled in graduate school, moving to South Carolina because I was afraid that another degree from the same university would end up with more rejection. In the next two more years, I worked hard. However, after my last class and final exam were over, my job search was fruitless. I was running out of options and scared of the future.

One year later, I was working in the only job I could find. My boss called me into his office one Friday afternoon and put me on final notice for performance. He told me that we would get back together in three weeks to decide if I would continue to work there or not. From the look in his eyes, he had made up his mind, and I resigned the following Monday.

At twenty-four years old, I was unemployed. Dr. Pitts’s prophecy from six years earlier had been fully realized. I hadn’t made it. I had done the best I could but had failed. Fear gripped me and didn’t let go.

A casual comment over breakfast made me realize that the fear was still alive inside me. If I have avoided facing it all these years, imagine the freedom I sacrificed, worrying a thousand times for no reason. God was always in control. How many times have I subconsciously strayed from his chosen path because I avoided defeats along the way?

Our memories are a minefield of past hurts. Part of growing as a Christian is facing down the ghosts of past giants and ignoring the roar of a toothless lion as we acknowledge that Jesus has already defeated each of them. Nothing can be taken from us that doesn’t already belong to him.

God created me as I am and loves me unconditionally. Perceived defeats have nothing to do with my value. But, I underestimated the resilience of self-doubt.

It is comforting to say “In my weakness, he is made strong.” It is harder to admit when I am afraid to trust him, but I am trying. I pray that God will continue to shine his light into the darkest parts of my soul, burning away the lies hiding there. For my part, I’ll keep laying my secrets in the front yard, forcing me to deal with them.

Maybe Dr. Pitts was right and I won’t make it as an engineer. After all, that was only the first time I got fired. Or maybe he was wrong. Either way, that isn’t my identity. I am a beloved son.