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Kelly’s Senior Quote

I went to the same, small school for eleven years growing up. The graduating class averaged eighty to ninety kids each year, and many of us had started first grade together. Although Goodpasture seemed a strange name for a school (or anything except for a farm), nobody ever seemed to notice. It was easy to accept things as they were in our comfortable cocoon.

The staff size was understandably small and families like ours that had several children enrolled were widely recognized. Invariably, my teachers were hand-me-downs from my older sister and with an uncommon name like McAfee, it wasn’t too hard for teachers to draw a connection.

I was a slightly above-average student, who usually got about as many As as Bs. I was a maybe average athlete, small for my age with no particular talent. As far as artistic gifts I had none. All in all, I was a regular kid. Only one thing prevented me from getting the attention I thought that I deserved.

My older sister, Kelly, was two years ahead of me. She was never average. If our school could have supported a gifted program, she would have sat first-chair. She always had perfect grades. She was 5’9″ by the fifth grade and an exceptional athlete. She played piano, clarinet, and saxophone. As her brother, I wouldn’t have known if she was pretty, but the regular stream of boys asking her out felt that she was.

Every year when I was promoted to a new grade, I felt like my new teachers had high hopes for me and then sighed as they realized that genetics was an imperfect science.

In our yearbook, each graduating senior chose a quote. Kelly’s was unusual, and I have since asked her why she chose it. She replied that she had gotten it out of a book of quotes and it seemed fitting. One of the world’s most prolific chatterboxes had made her selection.

How do I know what I think until I see what I say?

It’s kind of a strange sentence that you have to read a couple times. After doing that, you still are not completely sure what it means. I was finally presented with a chance to be the McAfee that came out on top. I could do better than that. I would find something smart, funny, and cool. My senior quote would undoubtedly be better than hers.

As it turned out, mine was not better. First, I changed schools the month before my senior year and never had a senior quote. Second, that goofy quote turns out to be not only insightful but is one of my favorites. It has captured the essence of why I write.

Kelly won again. Oh, well. I should be used to it.

Over the past years, writing has become a passion for me. I write because it helps me to discover what is really going on inside my head. I only share these ruminations in the hopes of helping others to do the same. I do not write because I am good at it. I have quietly filled journals while assuming no one would be interested.

Most of the time, I intend to write about one thing only to finish and find something altogether different. It is as if my conscious mind starts the task, then my subconscious mind takes over. My focus transitions from the original subject into something deeper that I was processing. Unresolved conflicts find release as my words flow out.

My fingers dance across the keyboard, releasing images that are occasionally frightening. Thoughts escape that are either embarrassing, or I wish were not true. While reading a passage that I just wrote, I have to stop and ask myself if I really believe it or was merely repeating something I’ve been told to believe.

Expressing feelings that I wish weren’t true brings comfort. Like an infection that needs to be exposed to the air to heal, my internal conflicts resolve themselves once they are out in the open. Honesty is the only thing that matters.

“This above all, to thine own self be true.”

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Occasionally, I write to capture a particular moment in time. Reflection on life’s highs and lows can bring comfort. Just like wounds heal and disappear, accurate recall fades as time slips by. The intensity of a season dissipates quickly. Memories tend to save a few facts, but forget the substance. Only the echo of your own voice will rekindle the moment.

Simple notes from the past are a time machine, transporting you back to relive moments of celebration and of pain. Stepping outside of time brings a hopefulness that is otherwise lost in the chaos that surrounds us. We need those windows into the past to remind us both where we come from and how far we have come.

God carefully created each of us. Our thoughts, dreams, and feelings were all designed long ago. Journalling is a discovery exploration of the soul he created in us.

The most important part of writing is to express your dreams. A life without hope is no life at all. If you could ask for anything, what would it be? Choose your answer carefully and it will guide your path.

I began to journal because a pastor friend invited me to give it a chance. I am extending the same invitation to you. If you don’t have a journal lying around, pick one up for a quarter on your next trip to Walmart. The awkwardness quickly goes away and most people learn to love it. You may, too.

We are eternal creatures. Stop racing in circles for long enough to spend time getting to know yourself and the Father’s spirit that lives in you. You are worth the time.

The world floods us with differing messages from social media, the news, commercials, church, friends, and more. For a moment, silence them all and discover what you believe. You may be surprised by what you think when you see what you say.

As I’ve written this post, long forgotten feelings of envy have emerged toward a sibling who was always smarter, faster and more popular than me. It was a long time ago, but those buried emotions were all alive and well. They were just waiting for a release.

Kelly has been gifted with even more amazing talents since high school. I still look up to her with admiration that is mixed with a little jealousy. She is my big sister after all, and I am one of her biggest fans. Her success has inspired me.

I learned to reach for the stars by watching someone who always seemed able to grasp them.

She can keep her senior quote as another victory in a life that has been full of them. It’s OK. I know she loves me.

If I could ask for anything, it would be to enjoy more time with her. And I am making those plans, but that is a story for another day.

Jimmy McAfee